I will be the pattern of all patience; I will say nothing.

We’ve finally hooked up the oldskool (pre-LCD or flat panel) TV in our room, and have been watching the Olympics on it. All we’ve seen this last week or so, are filler events leading up and down from the Michael Phelps swims.

The dude, is probably the biggest hero in the US right now. When he gets back to Baltimore, they might erect a gold statue of him and children will scatter flowers around it, he’ll be given the keys to the City, invited to White House dinners, and appear on Perez Hilton with a supermodel on his arm. Frequently. Maybe.

I just caught his 6th World Record breaking 200m individual medley.

In the leadup to the race, NBC aired a little docu-promo. What makes Michael Phelps such a lean, mean, swimming machine, in typical CSI-BionicMan-TVDrama style.

A computer graphics enhanced image of Phelps standing in his swimsuit, feet and arms stretched apart and graphics swirling around him. According to them, Phelps stands 6’4″, but has relatively short legs (length of which are typically found on men standing 6′), relatively long torso (length of which is typically found on men 6’8″), double jointed elbows and knees (someone tell me what that means, please), size 14 feet which are as good as flippers, hands the size of dinner plates that help propel him, a 32″ waist and a flat backside. I’m not kidding. They said “flat backside” on tv.

According to the SF Chronicle, the poor guy has been reported to be dubbed the “American Superfish” by Xinhua News Agency, along with what he eats (12,000 calories a day).

He deserves the attention, but the poor boy is like a subject under a microscope with 300 million people watching him. I’m not sure any hero really needs that.

But it’s that vs as much controversy as the American media can dig up over the Chinese managed event. What with the fake singing, the fake fireworks, the stabbing, the underaged gymnasts, Michael Phelps and the US Gymnastics Team, there doesn’t seem to be a raging war and a pitiful recession.

I think today’s a good day for one of those things – the fine line between “presume” and “assume”.

Assume
as sume [uh-soom]
verb (used with object), -sumed, -sum ing.
1. to take for granted or without proof; suppose; postulate; posit: to assume that everyone wants peace.
2. to take upon oneself; undertake: to assume an obligation.
3. to take over the duties or responsibilities of: to assume the office of treasurer.
4. to take on (a particular character, quality, mode of life, etc.); adopt: He assumed the style of an aggressive go-getter.
5. to take on; be invested or endowed with: The situation assumed a threatening character.
6. to pretend to have or be; feign: to assume a humble manner.
7. to appropriate or arrogate; seize; usurp: to assume a right to oneself; to assume control.
8. to take upon oneself (the debts or obligations of another).
9. Archaic. to take into relation or association; adopt.
-verb (used without object)
10. to take something for granted; presume.

To assume means a lot of things, but chiefly the definition that I particularly have a gripe with, is #1 and #10. To suppose or take for granted without proof

Presume
pre sume [pri-zoom]
verb, -sumed, -sum ing.
-verb (used with object)
1. to take for granted, assume, or suppose: I presume you’re tired after your drive.
2. Law. to assume as true in the absence of proof to the contrary.
3. to undertake with unwarrantable boldness.
4. to undertake (to do something) without right or permission: to presume to speak for another.
-verb (used without object)
5. to take something for granted; suppose.
6. to act or proceed with unwarrantable or impertinent boldness.
7. to go too far in acting unwarrantably or in taking liberties (usually fol. by on or upon): Do not presume upon his tolerance.

Again presume means a lot of things, but chiefly it means to assume, or (and I like this one) take liberties.

The thing is if you look at it as just the verb, “assume” seems a little more severely self-centered than “presume”. Presume seems to come across as knowing it’s an assumption, but having to make it anyway. Like it was backed into a corner. Presumed dead. Presumed innocent. There is that element of in-an-absence-of-evidence in “presume” that makes it a little less idiotic.

Presumably one of the world’s greatest managers once said

Don’t assume, it makes an ass out of u and me

Assume, now, has taken on an almost buffoonish definition, probably from the years of management evolution where assumptions have been trained to be thrown out the door for being idiotic. A large part of my growing up was learning to separate unnecessary expectations and assumptions from my actions and reactions. They make situations much more complicated than those situations need to be.

It’s hard, trying to be mindful of my agenda, ego and emotions playing up in situations and being honest about my objectives. Of course in many situations hindsight is always clearer.

I do realise I grew up a rather presumptuous little brat. That I wouldn’t have to worry about the essentials in life like earning a living, that I would probably have a roof over my head (in my 12 year old mind I decided I could always stay at home until I got married and the dude would probably have a house anyway, or his parents’ live in one, right?). It’s funny how much simpler life seemed when I was 12. It’s a unsettling to have to simplify life to the point where I’m happy again.

So here we are. The trifecta. Assume, Presume, Presumptuous. Unfortunately, Assumptuous probably sounds too much like a delectable body part (and therefore a noun than an adjective) to be taken seriously.

Of all three, I suppose I have to despise “Presumptuous” the most.

Since it’s the action, it invariably will end up inconveniencing me. For example, presumptuous relatives who figure I’ve nothing better to do with my time than to make an excruciating 40 minute drive in downtown traffic to pick up food I didn’t ask for and on the way give someone a ride home so I can move their garbage cans indoors. In the middle of the day.

A) Granted I spend my days at home,
B) I’m not working full time right now,
C) Resultingly I’ve a lot more spare time on my hands

There are a bunch of reasons for that.

1. I can afford it/my own food.
2. I don’t want to drive 40 minutes downtown.
3. I enjoy free time, I’m a lazy-ass b*st*rd and I’m not ashamed to say it.
4. In fact, I’ve pretty much planned to enjoy my f*cking free time being free and this upsets my plans.

And of course, there is the good friend of presumption, expectation, to join in the frey and complicate matters. There is always an expectation of acquiescence to the presumption. Because, for reasons A-C above it would seem that I’m the ideal candidate for odd jobs for scraps.

This behaviour, not just this specific example, is pretty universal. Some people presume to think for others. Some people presume to require others to give in to a relationship more than they are prepared to reciprocate, some people assume that the world just revolves around them, some people assume they’ve bigger problems than you, some people assume that just because they don’t have a symbol of something that the something that they don’t have that something they’re looking for.

Some relationships allow for easier tactical execution of a solution (for me). With non-familial relations excommunication is the simplest. With familial relations, it seems that communication is probably more appropriate, though less savoury given my temperment.

The irony is, in the example above, if they just asked, I would’ve been happy to oblige. I guess I don’t do well when I’m told. That’s my ego. That’s also someone else being presumptuous. So I figure I just have an issue with presumed authority.

All this just to tell you, if you want a favour, ask for a favour. Don’t plan my day for me.