I will be the pattern of all patience; I will say nothing.

His small eyes and close to perfect face notwithstanding, I’m completely unimpressed with Mr Chou. Legions of fans, headed by Lilmurmurs, are probably going to stone me to death when I get back to Asia. However, duty-bound to expose the fraud that is Jay Chou , I must speak the truth. And we all know, the truth hurts like hell.

Jay Chou is a Kentang¹ with a capital K. K-E-N-T-A-N-G.

He sounds normal enough in interviews, but listening to random songs of his (here, here and especially here) for research, I verified my suspicions. Come on, isn’t it bad enough Brit bands put on their best American when they sing, now them Taiwanese dudes Americanise Mandarin in music?

Dude! When I speak Mandarin that way, I get laughed all the way to Hong Lim Food Centre. The dude, in normal circumstances, sounds like this. WTF! He speaks Mandarin (ok, Taiwanrin) with the fluency of a native speaker, though if you define the way the language should sound based on country of origin, then Taiwanese Mandarin is the Mandarin equivalent of American, while Mainland Mandarin would equate to British English.

Tell me the dude is not a fraud.

Yes, we should give the dude props for writing his own music. That was probably why his songs sounded so familiar to me. Hear one, hear them all. Kinda like Coldplay. Woo! I’ve officially offended every (physical and mental) teenybopper on earth.

Lest it be said I’m a musical dinosaur who doesn’t listen to anything other than 80s Britpop, explain my fascination with Lee Hom. He is, a song in my heart. I’d swoon over him too, but since he doesn’t have the requisite accent, small eyes and angular facial structure, we’re doomed to just have an intellectual (one-sided – yup my side, and mostly imaginary) relationship.

On the side:
Who knew in Chou’s legions of smitten teenyboppers, some of them wield the power that is Wikipedia? Yet, if you look under References #10 on the same page, it would seem like there is balance in the world – and my faith in mankind is restored temporarily HAHAHA. I’d claim responsibility if I did it, but no, it wasn’t me nor my itchy fingers.

[1]: kentang /k?n-tahng, Èk«ntAN/ n. & a. [Mal., in full ubi kentang potato (Solanum tuberosum) (Wilkinson)] Also kantang. A n. A Caucasian, a white person. See also Ang Moh, Mat Salleh. B a. Of a non-Caucasian: behaving or speaking like a Caucasian or a white person; westernized.