I will be the pattern of all patience; I will say nothing.

The other night I had a startling dream. I would suppose I dream up weirdstuff all the time, but this one disturbed me so much I had to wake up and take a pee, so I suppose I remember it vividly.

In my dream, I saw a large bee on the ground just minding its own business. It was huge, the size of a chihuahua. It’s head was round, fuzzy and black, the size of an orange. I remember thinking, We gotta chase it away, it might be dangerous.

So, armed with the windshield wipers in my hand – it’s a dream sequence, randomness happens – I throw it at the bee, not hoping to stab it, but hoping to hit it a little and scare it away, failing which hopefully weight it to the ground (if I hit the sweet spot between the head and the torso). I miss. The bee is oblivious to my efforts to chase it.

So I try again with the second windshield wiper. It’s the larger one. Again, I miss.

But this time, the bee notices the windshield wiper. It eyes the limp wiper on the ground, then eyes me. And thats when I guess I decided that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all.

I remember a little voice going “Uh oh” in my head. Uh oh indeed. Because the giant mutant bee is coming straight for me. I turn and duck, but its got its aim straight for me. And it looks pissed. I pick up a soft piece of cardboard lying around, frantically trying to cover myself, but it’s flapping away, and I leave a gap, and there’s a really pissed off giant bee staring at me from the corner where I missed a spot.

I think at that point I try to scream and wake up. I was a little relieved it was a dream, mostly because it probably is something stupid enough for me to attempt while I’m awake.

Anyway. That’s my bee story.