I will be the pattern of all patience; I will say nothing.

F**K doesn’t even begin to express the extreme freakin situation. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth (after a late night movie, which I was originally going to blog about), and when I hit the pump dispenser for the hand soap – I use a lightly diluted mint castille soap mix – it squirted through a hole in the gunk, flew out of the dispenser and hit me right in the right eye.

FUCK!!!! does not begin to express my freaking displeasure.

In fact, I’d rate the magnitude a 9, on the Pissedher Scale, probably a notch below Nero when Spock screwed him over, and Nero yelled SPPOOOCCCKKKKK instead. Who knew them Romulans spoke American, because it certainly sounded like what I yelled in the bathroom.

Get over it, it’s not much of a spoiler.

The Star Trek movie was a true JJ Abrams vehicle. Complete with all that sci-fi mumbo-jumbo: warp drives, ejecting the core, black holes, rifts in the space-time-continuum, crazyass hungry creatures, aliens – the only thing missing was a conspiracy. I suppose I was hoping for something more Spock, less Kirk. But like Kirk, the movie was full of action, sound and fury, cowboy diplomacy and a big reward for “winging it”. I’m just not a big fan of that whole premise. Haven’t we seen enough of that? It’s so commonplace here it’s acceptable, it’s probably an aspiration for most. I just happen to believe that kind of behaviour should be discouraged to say the least.

Sylar is a pathetic attempt at a reproduction of Spock, failing even more miserably because of the glaring comparison you’re bound to make.

As for entertainment, there was no-one droolworthy, no really cool lines, no mind-blowing action, no crazyass cutting edge technology. Sorry geek fanboys, I was not particularly impressed.

What then, did the Star Trek movie have? Original Spock. Dr Who. Eomer. Hester. At some point the comedy was a relief. Oh, great soundtrack. The stuff you want to have playing in the car when you’re on the freeway. Gotta have it.

What did I think of Star Trek? Weak plot, actors who had big shoes to fill and couldn’t, and stuff that belonged on the other JJ Abrams franchise, the one with the island and the bunch of random looneys running around in it. Was it entertaining? Yes. Lots of action. Lots of comedy. Lots of ka-ba-boom! Do I recommend it? Only to the Trekkies, but then again, if they were trekkies they wouldn’t need a recommendation.

The bottom line? Kirk is an ass. Jean-Luc Picard rules.

There said it.